On the 4th of June I celebrated my 25th birthday. When I was younger, I always wanted to be older, I couldn’t wait. Now that I am midway through my 20’s, it is actually starting to dawn on me how quickly life goes by and those that used to tell me ‘not to wish my life away’ were right. I wanted to take some pictures on my birthday just so I had something to remember it by and I also wanted to share the day with you. When I was looking through them, of the ones of me, I felt really sad at first.
On my birthday, I put together an outfit very last minute, as everything else I had bought for the occasion either didn’t fit or didn’t suit. I am going to be filming a ‘weight loss update’ video soon for my YouTube channel, but I will briefly touch upon the subject here. Last August, I fell off my diet and since then my weight has just gone up and up. I know it is different for every one, and I wish that what I am about to say wasn’t true, but my weight and the way I look has a massive effect on my self confidence. I have tried, whilst I have been bigger, to rock outfits and feel confident, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. Then, I will catch a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye and realise I look a lot bigger than what I see standing in front of my mirror. It is time for a change, and I have already started a new diet and excersising, (more in the video) but it took me a long time to realise it for myself. Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t be eating the way I was, but I couldn’t stop myself. The photos that were taken of me on my birthday were the final push I needed.
I had spent a good couple of hours getting ready – hair, outfit, makeup, the lot. I felt amazing. I was happy with how I looked from the minute my birthday BBQ started to when it finished. Then I looked at the photos the next day and had thoughts like, “OMG that top makes my boobs look huge”, “How many chins?!”, “All I can see is my stomach”. I almost deleted every single photo. I just couldn’t deal with how big I looked, how much weight I have put on. Then I shook myself and told myself I was being ridiculous. I chose to eat the food I did, I chose not to go on walks or go to the gym. I had chosen to dress up that day and celebrate my birthday. 4 stone or 40, I was so happy that day. Why, then, the next day should I make myself feel terrible by picking at a million things I could possibly find wrong with a photo of myself. It is important to document those happy days and this was one of them for me. Having faith and confidence in myself shouldn’t just be when I have a face full of makeup on and have had a couple of glasses of wine. Why can’t I look at photos of myself and just appreciate the way I looked at that moment, the effort I had put in to make myself feel good and remember fondly of the time spent with my family. Now I realise I can do just that, and go one step further and share them with you. No, I am not entirely happy with the way I look, I see myself as a big girl who doesn’t want to be, who is miserable being the size she is. But, I also see someone who is smiling, content with her fashion choices and enjoying herself. I hope that is the side you can recognise too.
I spent my birthday with family in our back garden, enjoying the best BBQ Tommy could have put together. We ate, drank, laughed and danced and had a wonderful day. I also got very spoiled with presents! (You can see what I got for my birthday by clicking here). The next day, we got on a tram and went to one of my favourite places in Blackpool for tapas and cocktails. We sat in the sunshine and had another, really lovely family day. It was the best birthday I have had in a long time.
I hope you enjoyed seeing what I got up to on my birthday! I will list as many of the items I wore down below as I can for you. I hope you can understand what I was getting at towards the beginning of this post. I suppose I just want to tell you all, that no matter what your size, you have to believe that you are beautiful, because you are. Instead of looking for negatives, find the positives, not just in how you look but in everything. I have made the decision to share these photos because I am just a normal girl. My weight goes up and down, and with it, so does my confidence. Last year I was fitting into size 12 clothes, now not many of my 14’s fit me – it is a squeeze! I will never be stick thin, or a size 8, I am a curvy girl who will always have to watch what she eats. That is no reason not to love myself or live my life to the full.
As always, know your worth,
Black Top (can only find grey or cream online)
Shoes – River Island a couple of years ago
Black off the shoulder top – ASOS last year
Shoes – River Island a couple of years ago
Bag – Primark