Losing someone. Loss. Goodbye.
How to begin an impossible post? The truth is, I have no idea what I am doing here or much idea about what I want to say.
The last few months have been tough. Some of you know, my Gramps was diagnosed with Dementia over 2 years ago. He lost his battle in the early hours of Sunday morning, the 5th of March. I say battle, but for him it wasn’t really a battle at all. The 0ne saving grace was that he was unaware he was forgetting things or getting thoughts and words muddled up. He was safe, happy and surrounded by those who loved him every single day. Although I knew he was ready to be at peace and as well as seeing his decline each day, nothing could have prepared me for how I feel right now.
Of all of the things we have to go through as individuals, losing someone you love has to be the hardest. First of all, it makes no sense. How can someone be here one minute and then not the next? I was only a child when my Nana passed away. This time, I think I am finding it harder to process because I am meant to understand more. I don’t understand more, I just see more and I’m more aware. I have had a constant headache this week. I have hundreds of thoughts going through my mind and I don’t know which I should pay attention to first.
Grieving doesn’t make sense. It can’t make sense. It means different things to different people and we all grieve in different ways. One thing I do believe however, is that we need to allow ourselves to feel what we want to feel. I tried to bottle it up for a few days and then felt as though the world was crashing down around me.
I can’t stop myself from wondering, what is the point? What is the point of striving to be better each day, of living life to the full when the world is so cruel and hurtful. I don’t let these thoughts stay around for long because I know we have to believe there is more to it but it doesn’t make it easier.
One thing I have thought about a lot this week has been respect and the depths of what it truly means. One day, I felt as though I hadn’t cried enough. That people were looking at me thinking, why isn’t she crying more? We have to respect that people handle different situations in different ways. It is important to respect that everyone has the right to grieve. We must respect that some things are the way they are because they just are. We have to let things be.
Loss has made me question almost everything I believe in this week. It has brought to the surface memories, feelings and thoughts I had forgotten were there. I am aching, my head aches, my heart aches, I feel so heavy. Then once I think I am doing a bit better, it is time to worry about everyone else. I want to sit and write down as much as I can remember about Gramps in case I ever forget. With every happy memory comes an overwhelming wave of reality, of dread. They say time heals and I know it will. Perhaps long enough until I have to experience this all over again. Loss is something which we all have to go through, a common denominator of life if you will. It hurts and I feel empty but